Excerpt from a Book We Wrote: Judaism on Forgiveness

At the Minián Hebraica behind Oneg Rabbi Fine Art, we don't only love creating art based on the Torah, but we write as well. What follows is an excerpt from a book by one of our members, yours Truly Morgan Friedman, based on what he learned studying with the Minian's wonderful rabbi, Moishe Brand, about Judaism's take on forgiveness. Below is an excerpt from his book Meditations on Forgiveness here.

In Judaism, for crimes against individuals, there are three levels of forgiveness, I learned from the Chabad Rabbi Moishe Brand of the Minián Hebraica at the Sociedad Hebraica Argentina. The first, lowest, and most basic level of forgiveness—the only level which is mandatory—is that which the Jewish law, the Halacha, requires, and that boils down to: when all three of these requirements are fulfilled, you are required to forgive the forgivee: when the forgivee (A) explicitly apologizes, and (B) explicitly asks for forgiveness, and (C) has also gone through a process of inner work to truly transform himself to no longer be the type of person to be likely to commit those crimes again. That inner work to transform yourself into a better version of yourself, in Hebrew, is called “תְּשׁוּבָה” (“Teshuva.”)

This first level could also be called “סְלִיחָה” (“Slicha”) and that is effectively just forgiving and moving on. “Slicha” is the common Hebrew word for “sorry,” like when you bump into someone or the famous Canadian Word. Engaging in “סְלִיחָה” (“Slicha”) is the basic requirement of Jewish law.

It’s notable that “סְלִיחָה” (“Slicha”) is easiest when you don’t want to maintain a relationship with the other person. If someone bumps into you—even if it hurts—you forgive him easily, partly because you don’t expect to ever see him again. Jewish law is concerned with fairness and justice before maintaining relationships, and as a result, the minimal requirement may not keep a relationship but does enable a community to function with a sense of fairness. The guy who bumps into you and then says “סְלִיחָה” (“Slicha”): he apologized, and you don’t care about whether or not you want to maintain a relationship with him, so, you just accept his apology and move on.

Note that, as Jewish law gets near-infinitely complex, there are lots of worthy, subtle details here we are eliding over, but one interesting detail is: if it seems to you that the other person’s apology is not sincere and it seems like he truly hasn’t transformed himself but rather he’s just apologizing for practical advantages, then you’re not required to forgive him. Judaism doesn’t encourage you to be a sucker, and giving fake apologies for a momentary advantage is a spectral signature of someone trying to take advantage of someone more naïve.

The second level—even more powerful and closer to God than the previous level, but this level and the one above aren’t required—is called “מְחִילָה” (“Mechilah,”) and that is effectively “erasing the bad.” This is much harder, but it is a higher goal to strive for when you want to maintain the relationship with the other person, even if the other person hasn’t apologized or repented, to overcome it by erasing from your own heart the damage he previously did. Maybe the bad hasn’t been apologized for sincerely, maybe the forgivee hasn’t grown as a person—but the crime has been purposefully forgotten by you. It’s as though it never happened. This is a much more powerful way of forgiving that goes far beyond the Level One bare minimum.

The third, final, and highest level—the close-to-God goal to strive for—is called “כַּפָּרָה” (“Kapparah,”) and that is to transcend the act and realize that the crime that the forgivee committed against you was actually For The Good, that it was part of a divine plan for you and for civilization, that that needed to happen, explicitly so you could learn and grow from that experience. This is the level of Joseph forgiving his brothers for having sold him into slavery, realizing that it had to have happened and it was for the good, so that years later he could be in a position to save the family.